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Five Burning Questions I’m Asking Myself Before Leaving for India Tomorrow
It’s my first visit in 16 years.
Q: You moved to America when you were 9, and haven’t visited India since you were 14 (summer 2004), nor since 3 out of your 4 grandparents died, including the one pictured above who raised you. How will you deal with the emotional turmoil of your first visit in over 15 years to the country of your birth?
A: It’s complicated. So many things have happened since I last visited: I first became diagnosed with severe depression, I graduated from college, worked so many different jobs on both the East and West Coasts, moved in with a partner who turned out to be abusive, moved back home, moved in with a partner who is wonderful. I already feel guilty, because I never had the money (or a job with sufficient/any PTO) to visit India on my own, as my brother was able to do in his early 20s. I am going to India with my mother, who has become more understanding of my depression and anxiety in recent years, so I won’t be alone. It is going to be rough to visit the flat in which I grew up. It’s now empty—after my grandfather’s death in 2020 (he had a stroke, but the pandemic prevented attending his funeral), my grandmother moved in with my dad in Bombay. One of my tasks over the next 18 days will be to clear it out, to bring home whatever I want to save, for the flat will be sold. I did add my therapist to WhatsApp, so I can message her if I’m in a right state and have wifi.
Q: Oh wow, you’ll be cleaning out your childhood home? What do you think is left there?
A: I honestly do not know. No one has lived there since December 2020. I’ve been warned by multiple family members that I should not expect to stuff everything I find into a suitcase to bring it back. For all I know, there’s just schoolbooks and broken dolls and tattered furniture. There are some paintings and pottery I’d like to have packed, professionally, and shipped back to Texas, but again, they may be lying in pieces, or be gone altogether.
Q: What are you hoping to see and do? Recreational activities, seeing family and friends?
